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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Game 7 Prediction

This is for you, Johnny-Come-Lately sour-puss, old time Caps fans who can't forget the past, and for all those crazy Habitants who really think Montreal will win.  If you're a bandwagon fan, hop on.  You won't be sorry you hitched a ride on the Caps Wagon, even if you leave for baseball in a few weeks, but don't tell us about our team if you just started watching last month.  For you old timers - This is not the same team you watched in Landover.  For you Habs fans - this is in English. 

The Washington Capitals will take the ice with a new look/old look team.  Deciding he needs some more experience on the ice, George McPhee brings Craig Laughlin, Alan May, and Ken Sabourin out of the studios back onto the ice for one final choke-job.  Laughlin, a veteran of the 1985 and 1987 choke job teams, leaves the Comcast color job to don his old #18, which he takes back from Eric Belanger along with the rest of his teeth by laughing-gassing him on the dentist's chair. Unfortunately for Locker, his jersey is in black and white, since nobody can seem to remember him playing on a color TV set.  Alan May, veteran of the 1992 choke team, leaves the Comcast studios and wins a game of rock-paper-scissors to take #16 back from Eric Fehr.  Fehr reverts to his old #14 since Tomas Fleischmann has been declared dead after going missing for so long.  Ken Sabourin, the radio color analyst and veteran of the 1992 choke job, once was the proud wearer of the number 8.   He loses his jersey number Rochambeau battle with Alex Ovechkin, who countered Sabby's scissors with the response "Russian Machine never loses," and instead takes his other Caps uniform number, #2.

George McPhee also signs himself to new contract for some of that elusive team toughness after secretly polishing his Hobey Baker trophy in his office. 

Dale Hunter, veteran of the choke jobs of 1992, 1995, and 1996, is also re-signed after deciding to come out of retirement to play in the NHL with his sons.  Only later does he realize his sons aren't good enough to make the NHL.  He, of course, dons #45 in honor of Michael Jordan since his old #32 has already been retired.

To open the game, the Canadiens reveal that Jaroslav Halak has legally changed his name to Patrick Roy and miraculously learned French overnight.  He also grew three inches, but that might just be in his leg-pads. To counter the height difference, the Capitals signed 6'7 college all-star goalie Brett "Stretch" Leonhardt for the game.  Prior to the game, Stretch records a one-man interview of himself for the Capitals Website. 

The Canadiens finally named a captain before the game, and deciding to not break with tradition or forget any of the many great Montreal players who retired 2,000 years ago that they compare all the current Habs to, they name former Canadiens captain Pierre Turgeon the new captain. 

Deciding they don't have enough midgets at forward, the Canadiens also bring in 5'9 Ray Ferraro, 5'10 Pat LaFontaine, and 5'9 Martin St. Louis for the final game of the series. 

    Ray Ferraro           Pat LaFontaine        Martin St. Louis

During the first 90 seconds of the game, all three of those new forwards score on end-to-end rushes while Craig Laughlin is caught cherry-picking and Ken Sabourin and Jeff Schultz knock each other over.

Deciding a 3-0 lead is enough, Coach Jacques Martin decides to bench all of his forwards and play with 5 defensemen on the ice at all times to protect the lead. This has the effect of turning the Montreal defensive zone into a sculpture garden.

Not counting on the cherry-picking ability of Craig Laughlin who fits seamlessly into Boudreau's no-defense system, the Habs allow Locker to pick up a hat trick over the final two periods to send the game to overtime tied 3-3.  Unfortunately for the rest of the Capitals, they still managed to get shut down during the course of the game, even during the powerplay, which has now hit a 1-for-432 slump.

Before overtime can start, George McPhee gets himself ejected when he fights Canadiens coach Jacques Martin in the hallway after the third period. 

The game goes to a fourth overtime tied 3-3 after Roy/Halak stops 75 shots.  Seeing a potential weakness in the Capitals net with Stretch Leonhardt (0 saves on 3 shots), Jacques Martin decides to play a forward again and sends out Pierre Turgeon.  Turgeon scores the overtime game-winner, but before he can celebrate, he gets checked into the end boards from behind by Dale Hunter who earns himself a lifetime ban from the NHL "for real this time" from Colin Campbell. 

The Verizon Center is imploded after the game in the first move by new owner Ted Leonsis, who next decides to send the team to the Philippines and rename them the Manila Folders. 

Haha, get it?  Manila Folders...

Prior to the Habs next series with Pittsburgh, a team of geologists is sent to investigate a new glacier at the Mellon Arena, only to find out it is Habs defenseman Hal Gill. Then they sent in Bruce Lee.

1 comment:

  1. ha! manila folders! i get it!